I used to take pride in being the toughest.
Nothing you could say could hurt me.
Nothing you could say could even affect me.
Three weeks ago, something broke me. It got through this tough veneer that I had started to think was impenetrable. Part of me was shocked and part of me remembered that I’d been here before.
4 years ago, I took pride in being the happiest.
I laughed the loudest.
I smiled the most.
One of my friends even said that I smiled more in a day than he did in a month.
But just like that toughness, my happiness came to an end. But again, it wasn’t the first time.
13 years ago, I took pride in being a fighter.
I took pride in how much I had been through.
I took pride in the fact that I had been through more than most 11 years go through.
I took pride that I had survived things that most people in the world will never have to go through.
Until I woke up one day and asked why I was so proud of my suffering? Was identifying with the things that cause the most pain, creating more pain?
Our identities are malleable.
What you take pride in, can be a double edged sword. We are not what we take pride in. What we take pride in, is our ego.
Through all these transformations, I always said one sentence “I just want to go back to being me”. But “me” is not a stagnant place. And whilst at the time, I always think “me” is the safest and best place to be, it’s not if “me” is a place I have outgrown. “Me” is not something I owe the world to be. I am entitled to change. I need to give MYSELF the permission to change. My identity will go through evolutions and no one deserves an explanation. Not even myself. Because here’s the thing, I can’t explain it, but I can accept it. I WILL accept it.
We break. We mend. We evolve. We change. And that’s ok. #ScarredNotScared