Here’s something I’ve never spoken about…
Oh PS TRIGGER WARNING (and spoiler alert): DISORDERED EATING
Today I was in the supermarket and I went down the chocolate aisle and I got the urge to buy A LOT. As I was picking these things off the shelf, I had a thought that this is probably a behaviour leftover from my past. Except unlike my past, I buy it, I don’t limit myself and I don’t feel guilt.
BUT I no longer go home to binge eat it all. Instead it lasts for weeks. So why do I keep buying it in a “binge”? Because if I don’t, I will think about it. And if I think about food when I’m not hungry, and deny myself the purchase. When I eventually cave, and I say eventually because it is inevitable, I will actually binge.
Why am I talking about this? Because I can bet a few of you do this too, but instead of seeing it as a good sign or a sign of growth, you see it as failure. You will feel guilt at purchasing it.
The only reason this works is because I let myself buy that chocolate guilt-free. I buy it, knowing I am allowed to eat it. And when I allow myself to eat it, I mean it, I am allowed to eat as much as I want of it. And just like that, I don’t want it anymore because when you stop banning the forbidden fruit, the fruit doesn’t seem that sweet.
Chocolate was my forbidden fruit. I had a disordered relationship with it from the moment I discovered that chocolate relieved my migraines when I was younger. But last December, I kept an advent calendar in my house for the entire month which has never happened. And even more shockingly I still have 15 chocolates (go to my stories if you want to see the chocolates). That means there were more days in December when I didn’t feel like it, than days I did.
This only happened because
– I celebrated the small
– I stopped hating myself for making mistakes on my journey to intuitive eating
– I removed the guilt around eating
– I stopped correlating the quality of my meals with the quality of me
AND I let go of the fear that if I let myself eat whatever I want, I would eat everything