Flashback to 2013

October 23, 2017

I’ve never done one of these photos cause I hate to draw a comparison. To me, these 2 images aren’t comparable. The overwhelming thing I see in the photo on the left is fear. I was terrified.

Back in 2013, I didn’t know what body positivity was, but I was defs body positive. I loved my body + that’s what made that time so much harder. How can a body that love me do this to me AGAIN?

My body wasn’t doing anything TO me, it was trying to save me. Both versions of me are me doing the best I can, with the knowledge I had and the resources I had available to me. And my confidence would have never wavered if I had realised that my health doesn’t dictate my worth.

One version of me is not better because she is healthier, or is more able, or is capable of walking.
Inspirational? Here is my issue. This was the 2nd most painful time in hospital + I still struggle to talk about the time that tops this. I cry when I think about the pain I went through. I was far from the perfect patient, I yelled, I screamed, there were times at 19 years old, I refused to surface from under my duvet. “Inspirational” seems to take away from all of that.
“Inspirational” makes me feel that I’m not allowed those emotions.
“Inspirational” makes me feel like I did it for the praise, not because I HAD NO FUCKING CHOICE.
“Inspirational” makes me feel like you don’t understand the gravity of the situation. How truly shit it is to lie in a bed all day everyday for 6 weeks, torn away from your life, without food or water passing your lips once.

Then I think about it + it’s not the word I take problem with. It’s how it was used against me in hospital to force me to be happy + grateful. It’s the fact that no ONE word can summarise it. No one word is enough to explain how I feel about this time in my life.

This time in my life, like every other hospitalisation ruins me. It wrecks the life I’ve been building since the last time + frankly I’m never going to be ok about it. It’s left me with scars that are far deeper than any smiley face on my tummy.

I am not a survivor. I am not a success story.
I’m just a woman with a shitty past that really still fucking hurts to think about. #ScarredNotScared